Disneyland: The Search For More Money

This line from "Spaceballs" kept popping into my head as I walked around Disneyland this past week.  I was raised in southern California, and frequented Disneyland growing up.  I have vivid memories of the rides and attractions, and still get reminded by my parents of the only 2 tantrums I had as a kid coming at the park.  It was always a great time and it was very difficult to leave (a problem I'm sure most kids have).  However, the last time I was there was over a decade ago when I was still in high school.  I hadn't been since the new California Adventure park opened, nor since the remodeling of certain rides.  So I was very curious to experience Disneyland from an adult perspective when I surprised my girlfriend with a season pass for Valentine's day (she had been eager to go with me for quite a while).  Had the park changed?  Would it still hold that "magic" that it did when I was a child?

The happiest (and priciest) place on Earth

The answer is yes and no.  The following is some observations I made while walking through the many lands of Disney:

ATTIRE

You know those guys who wear the band shirt to that same band's concert?  Like we don't already know you're a fan?  Apparently this is a major trend at Disneyland.  I couldn't believe how many people were wearing Disney merchandise.  And it wasn't even the children, many of whom were dressed in character costumes.  Even the adults had on Mickey shirts, Minnie sweaters, Goofy hats.  It was almost like a competition was going on to see what person could out Disney the next.  Shame on me for wearing jeans and a puma sweater.

PEOPLE

Whenever you go to any amusement park you are going to be amongst an eclectic group.  But even more so at Disneyland.  Living in southern California sometimes you forget that people travel from all around the world just to go to the park.  You see all kinds of people and hear many different languages as you stroll around.  But more so than the ethnicities and nationalities, it was the type of people that was striking.  Of course there were many young children, but what was shocking was the relatively close age of the parents to their kids.  I don't know if it's this "Teen Mom" thing that's influencing this generation, but I have never seen so many young mothers in my life.  It was very sad and depressing to see these mothers who were probably just as excited to go on the teacups as their kids.  The other striking feature was the size of the parkgoers.  Again, we are in America, and as a whole we are not the fittest nation in the world.  But man, seeing these enormous people walking (or riding) around was amazing.  I actually saw one woman who was at least 400 pounds spend 2 minutes trying to maneuver her rascal scooter through an opening that was no less than 4-5 feet wide.  This was in addition to those with canes, walkers, and wheelchairs.  Of course, we tend to reward those who have gorged themselves to obese levels.  We provide them with handicap placards, even though they should be parking as far away as possible and walking, and we do the same by allowing them to go straight to the front of lines.  "Oh, you weigh 350?  No problem!  Go right to the front, because we know you're hungry and can't have you take it out on those in line while you wait!"  But this is a microcosm of our country as a whole.  Very sad.

MERCHANDISE

As we were walking from one ride to the next, my girlfriend pointed out that the stores at the park seemed to outnumber the attractions.  As funny as this sounds it is absolutely true.  You can not walk more than 50 yards before you are inundated with Disney apparel.  They literally have anything and everything that you could possibly want with a character on it.  It was unbelievable.  If it was not an actual store, it was a stand.  If it wasn't a stand, it was a walking vendor.  And the ears.  My God the ears.  When I was younger they had two types of ears; girls (with a bow) and boys (sans bow).  They covered your head a la the old Mickey Mouse Club, and you could get your name embroidered on it.  While they still have these, they have about a thousand more.  Cheetah print ears, sequin ears, wedding ears (with a veil and all)...they literally thought of every type and produced it.  And you know what?  People buy them!  It was like a mouse fashion show walking around.  And once nightfall came, it was time to milk the remaining dollars out of the parkgoers by bringing out the glow sticks and light up balloons.  The park may seem innocent, but they are ruthlessly about the money.  They try to get you at every turn, prey upon the kids to guilt their parents for a purchase that they'll probably never use again.  For example, many people were walking around with Yoda backpacks.  It was basically a backpack that looked like Yoda was hanging onto your shoulders.  While this is funny to look at this is the quintessential impulse buy.  Sure it's funny for a minute, and you get some looks walking around the park, but when the hell are you ever going to use this again unless you frequent Star Wars conventions?  Disney has this down to a science.

CONCESSIONS

Of course when you go to any amusement park you are not expecting to eat healthy.  You tend to eat a lot of sugary crap and junk food that's mediocre at best.  But this is southern California, and we are known to have very particular diets.  I would think that Disney would try to take advantage of this by offering some kind of healthy options while gouging the shit out of the price.  I was surprised that nothing like this existed.  But what was really surprising was when we decided to get some coffee to wake ourselves up after an early departure.  My girlfriend does not drink milk, and instead uses soy milk for her coffee.  It was strange to find that only one place in the entire park carried soy milk, despite numerous places that specifically made coffee drinks.  I don't really understand the logic behind this, but knowing Disney, there's got to be a reason.  Probably to get you to order the 82 ounce piss machine soda in the commemorative cup.

CAPTAIN EO

I vividly remember going to Disneyland when I was 6 years old to watch this when it first came out.  I was a big Michael Jackson fan, and seeing this in 3D (very new at the time) was incredible.  I had a shirt, the hat, everything.  Of course Disney stopped showing it after MJ's "love" for children came to light, but like what happens when most controversial celebrities pass away, all is forgotten, especially when there is a way to gain financially.  So it wasn't much of a surprise to see it back, playing in the same theater as it was 20 some years ago.  Taking away the dated effects, it still held up.  This was made right on the cusp of MJ turning from a normal looking man to a plastic looking woman, so it was a treat to see the songs and dance numbers again.  It was also cool to see the reaction of the crowd, most of whom were probably not alive when it originally came out (yes, I felt very old the entire time).  But leave it to Disney to capitalize on Jackson's death the best way they know how.  MERCHANDISING!!!

The bottom line is that Disneyland is still a fun place to visit, and it holds a lot of great childhood memories for a lot of us.  Seeing it from an adult perspective takes some of the luster off of it, but it is still a good time overall.  If you're going to go, make sure you bring your Donald shirt, Mickey ears, and a balance free credit card and cash, because you're gonna need it.  But having experience it for the first time since childhood, I think it can be summed up best by a friend, who said "I don't like Disney, but I do enjoy it".

Amen.

THE LEBRON SYSTEM

Think you've gotten as low as you can go?

WRONG!

 Introducing THE LEBRON SYSTEM!

Step 1: FAILURE

This is reached when you are almost to the pinnacle of your profession, before utterly disappearing in the most inopportune times and/or showing up and completely shitting the bed.

Step 2: ISOLATION

This is reached when you block out all objective criticism and surround yourself with "yes" men and others who constantly tell you how wonderful you are.  (This step also requires traveling around with no less then 6 "friends" at all times).

Step 3: SURRENDER

This is reached when you give up and join forces with your closest competition, agreeing to be second in command because you can't handle the pressure of being number 1.

Step 4: ALIENATION

This is reached when you succeed in pushing all colleagues away to the point they speak out against you and former contemporaries praise your rivals while giving you back handed compliments.

Step 5: WHINING

This is reached when no matter how hard you try nobody accepts you, and instead of looking in the mirror, you passive aggressively make everything "your fault".

Step 6: ACCEPTANCE

This is reached when you realize your place in the world.  That you will be wearing the black hat as long as you live, and no matter what you do or say will change this.

Step 7: FAILURE AT FAILURE

This is reached when despite all other failings, you are still given openings and opportunities for success, but fail miserably at those.  This can usually be seen by repeating step 1 on an even bigger stage or negating any positives that happen to pop up by utilizing one of steps 2-5.

By implementing these 7 steps you too can fail to reach your true potential and skate by in your profession with little to no effort.

You're welcome.

Putting Women Before Religion

When the healthcare law was passed one of the more noteworthy parts was its requirement that all health plans provide preventive services free of charge.  This includes vaccinations and mammograms.  But beginning this year this provision also extends to birth control pills, IUDs and other forms of contraceptives.  Not surprisingly, as this has to do with birth control, the Catholic church was not happy.  What brought the furry from the Catholic leadership is the announcement from the Obama administration that it would hold most religious institutions to this mandate.  Some examples of religious institutions that will be held accountable are religious schools, charities and hospitals.  The administration has agreed to a one year delay of the rule, but this has not stopped Catholic leaders from decrying this decision as infringing on the practice of their religion, as they view birth control pills as "abortion-inducing drugs".

The arguments are being framed as this provision being a threat to religious freedoms, and that these entities are being forced to decide whether to provide a service they see as abhorrent, or get out of public service entirely.  but that is not the case at all.  This, as the argument goes, results in government hindering these facilities to do good.  But the Obama administration is not forcing religious institutions to pass out free birth control.  Rather, they are taking a wise and long overdue approach to women's health as a whole.

The effected institutions are part of the public square.  They are not private by any regard, serving the public and the public interest.  This goes for medical care, education, etc.  I don't think there are very many among us who would disagree that government does play a part in employment and how employers treat their employees.  Saying that you object to these regulations because of your conscience does not hold water, as it would effectively nullify any regulation at all, as this would be the trump card played by any company to prevent change.  If this were an issue of child labor laws, and these entities disagreed with these regulations based on religion, I don't think there'd be much support at all for that position.

Instead of couching this discussion as a religious freedoms argument, it should be more in the area of women's rights.  Every time a discussion arises about reproduction it is usually some institution instilling their "values" on women, trying to regulate if and when they are permitted to have children.  This is ludicrous no matter how you look at it.  It is up to the woman to decide if she wants to start or continue a family, nobody else's.  Yet this same debate happens whenever women's reproduction comes up, despite the fact that 98% of Catholic women have used some form of birth control.

There is also the financial aspect to consider.  Birth control is not cheap.  The cost of birth control now is $50-$100 a month.  That is a massive expense to be put on a woman, and even if their insurance covers some, it still prices a lot of women out.  The only way to combat this is by insurance, including employer policies, covering free birth control absent of any co-pay, which is what this provision is meant to do.

Religion obviously plays a massive part in our country's fabric.  We respect all religions and allow the free practice of these religions.  However, using religion as a crutch to prevent needed social change is not acceptable, and the Obama administration should be praised for taking this step in the face of such criticism.  Again, this provision is not forcing individuals to take birth control, just giving them the option.  If all of the employees at these institutions see birth control as an "evil" they are not obligated to obtain it.  But the option is there, and that is what's important, having that choice.  Choice does not devalue these religious entities, as everyone has a choice to follow what they believe and plan their lives how they see fit.  Women should control their bodies, not a church.  Hopefully this is a major step in that direction.

Excuse Me, Aren't You...

Do you know this man?

Don't feel bad if you don't.  I imagine the majority of Americans have no clue who he is, what he does, etc.  But what if I told you that he is the captain of one of the most storied and successful NHL franchises, winner of 4 Stanley Cups and 7 Norris trophies (given to the best defenseman in the league), in addition to an Olympic gold medal?  His name is Nicklas Lidstrom, who is currently in his 20th NHL season, and is one of the greatest hockey players of all time.

I bring this up for a couple of reasons.  The other day my girlfriend and I were watching "NHL 36", a wonderful show that follows an NHL player around for 36 hours from home, to games, to postgame (and no, I didn't force her to watch with me.  I lucked out that she's actually a hockey fan in her own right, so no arm twisting is needed when it comes to pucks).  This particular episode was about the above mentioned Lidstrom.  The first thing that caught my attention was that this man, who is a hockey legend, is able to walk around town unnoticed.  How is this possible?  Can you imagine other players of his status going out to eat and not being approached at all?  Would Kobe Bryant be able to go see a movie without being mobbed?  Could A-Rod take a trip to the mall without being heckled?  The answer is no, yet Lidstrom is able to lead an otherwise normal life.  It's fascinating how certain athletes who have accomplished NOTHING are put on pedestals while others who are enormously more successful aren't really given the time of day by the public.  This may be a byproduct of hockey's status in this country, or the superficial, Karadashi-culture we live in these days.  Lidstrom's humbleness, even while playing in "Hockeytown", comes off to the viewer, which is a nice change of pace from what is normally read about and seen on Sportscenter.

But as we were watching, my girlfriend was bothered by a nagging question...who does this guy look like?  I never realized it, but Lidstrom does have one of those faces that reminds you of someone you know.  We spent the next 20-30 minutes analyzing Lidstrom and coming up with people who he resembles.  Here's who we narrowed it down to:

Sting

Aaron Eckhart

Thomas Jane

Randy Travis

This clearly is not a new phenomenon.  There are numerous athletes who have celebrity doppelgangers.  Here are a few more:

Mike Tomlin & Omar epps

Kyle Korver & Ashton Kutcher

Aaron Rodgers & B.J. Novak

John LeClair

Scott Bakula

John Tortorella

Henry Winkler

Sam Cassell & E.T.

If you have any others please feel free to share!